Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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