If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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