hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
