we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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