I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
