he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
