i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
