if i died would you start the facebook group?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
