Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
