He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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