I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
