I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize