I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize