my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
