where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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