Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You were trust falling into bushes
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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