Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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