'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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