Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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