No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize