please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
