Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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