i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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