We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
