it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
