fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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