I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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