I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
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