its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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