So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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