omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
