I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
