My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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