Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
