My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
