I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
