We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
