Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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