It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
