paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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