Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
