Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
