google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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