I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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