the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Is Oprah even human
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
