im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
