Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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