Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
