dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
