the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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