Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
