The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
