Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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