I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
