seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
even my farts smell like vagina
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
