Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
