i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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