Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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