That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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